Anger Source

This is the complete and definitive listing of everything that makes the Angry Mac Guy angry. Now wearing the version 2.0 skin. Updated: 19/12/09

What MGM/EON did to Bond.
To borrow a phrase from South Park – James Bond got raped! MGM tried to turn Bond into Bourne and failed. Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace were an abomination. So much so that the Angry Mac Guy does not regard them as Bond films. Consider the elements that have defined Bond movies for 40 years: the car, Q and his gadgets, the cringe worthy, innuendo laden dialogue, the ridiculously outlandish, world-ending plot by an equally bizarre super villain. These are the things the Angry Mac Guy expects from a Bond movie. Not one of these things was present. Instead we endured Daniel Craig butt naked, engaging in some kind of bondage session and a villain who’s master plan essentially boiled down to slightly over charging for utilities. Sure Craig drove Aston Martins, but they didn’t come equipped with either rocket launchers or ejector seats. What MGM did was take the good name of James Bond, and use it for the title of a movie which should have been called “Bond Begins: License to Anguish in Self Pity Because His Girlfriend Died” starring Daniel Craig’s pecks.

It’s fizzy, it’s ginger, it’s embarrassing.
Why are Scottish TV advertisements so lame? The recent attempt by the makers of Irn-Bru to imitate High School Musical is only marginally worse than the horrific S1Jobs TV spot featuring an implausibly culturally diverse people group of various vocations performing something resembling the All Black’s pre-game haka. Performers in both ads all have stupidly stereotypical Glaswegian accents and quite frankly make the Angry Mac Guy ashamed to be Scottish.

The mass cultural delusion that one gets fit by joining a gym.
On the face of it, a fat person who joins a gym, seems to pay large sums of money each month in exchange for the opportunity to walk, run, cycle or row themselves into leaner fitter healthier being. The problem with this theory is that, if this fat person really wanted to loose weight, all he/she would have to do is stop eating chips and do one of the aforementioned activities outside, for free. As nobody in their right mind would pay for something they could easily do for free one is left to conclude that the membership fee is in reality a payment for something entirely different – it is the physical pretext for the continued delusion of future fitness. For most people, the desire to be fit will never overcome the lifestyle choices that cause their condition. But so long as they have a gym membership card, the “fitness fantasy” is tangible, and one can believe that at some point in the future he/she will succeed. It’s called “buy-in” – it’s how Scientology or any other pay-per-level cult works – the more someone invests in a fantasy, the greater their desire to maintain it. Of course the reality is that our fat man/woman has no desire to walk, run, cycle or row anywhere (indoors or out) and that without the gym membership would be forced to face the fact that he/she will forever be over-weight and unhealthy.

Pseudo-end Credits
It would seem it is a growing trend among filmmakers, for the commencement of the closing credits, to no longer delimit the part of the movie reel you are interested in watching from the part you are not. It instead serves as a brief textuacoustic interlude between the penultimate and final scenes. The purpose of this is not clear, however many movie-goers still make the far from unreasonable assumption that the movie has actually concluded, and use the opportunity to vacate their seats. This creates somewhat of a dilemma when the additional scene abruptly appears, having been accosted mid-row in a position which would in any other venue be described as a lap dance. Should one continue onwards, briefly obscuring the view of every person seated along the row, or remain in one’s current socially awkward position until the filmmaker sees fit to actually end the movie?

Anti-Progress Bars
It obviously escaped everyone’s notice at Microsoft, that a progress bar which proceeds from empty to full an unknown number of times throughout a single operation completely fails in it’s only purpose: indicating progress. This particular user interface blunder was presumably brought to us by the same department which felt the “Turn Off” button was best displayed by first clicking “Start”.

Christmas Cards
There are various categories of Christmas card and all are equally stupid. There are those sent to people whom you don’t care enough about to actually interact with for the other 364 days of the year in the hopes a card will somehow make up for this. Then there are those sent to family. Unfortunately aside from Christmas cards another somewhat annoying aspect of Christmas is that you are obligated spend the holiday visiting your family, which in the Angry Mac Guy's opinion makes the card a bit redundant. On the other hand, if the card were a substitute for this then he may be rather more inclined towards them. E-Mail Christmas Cards are so utterly pointless as to be in a league of their own – what an e-Christmas card says is “I care about you, but not enough to actually send you something that costs me money." There is a sub-genre of e-Christmas cards which go business to business – seeing a subject line of “Merry Christmas from XYZ ltd” in his inbox is almost certain to invoke the Angry Mac Guy’s delete reflex.

Britain’s Got Yet Another Strictly Flash in the Pan Talentless Weeping Moron on Ice
How many more of these money making TV farces does the Angry Mac Guy have to stomach? It’s not the shameless exploitation of the unending stream of hapless/tuneless/uncoordinated monkeys whose parents were too cruel to explain to them that they were just too fat to be a star that angers the Angry Mac Guy. Nor is it the arrogant smirk of the judges who cynically coerce the gormless ‘great’ British public into instantly propelling the winner to the No 1 spot. Nor even the infuriating manner in which the BBC whores it’s latest Ballroom Salsa on Ice spectacle as the headline news story on the supposedly serious news 24 channel. But the travesty of allowing some teary eyed half-wit to mutilate Leonard Cohen’s greatest work – it would seem any respect for that work has since been discarded in favour of sardonic profiteering. If you have any dignity you will walk straight past the Alexandra Burke section of the music store and instead pick up a copy of the late great Jeff Buckley’s definitive work ‘Grace’ which features what is widely regarded as the purest interpretation of Cohen’s Hallelujah ever recorded.

Black Politicians
Just to be clear, the Angry Mac Guy does not hate politicians who happen to be black, the Angry Mac Guy hates the way in which the colour of certain political figure’s skin seems to be of greater value than their policies. Why is it that all of America seems to be patting itself on the back for having elected a ‘Black President’ – even McCain couldn’t help himself – it’s as if now that there is a ‘man of colour’ in the oval office we can finally forget the whole slavery thing. “We are no longer racist!” is the national mantra. This absurd situation seems to be catching too, there are already murmurings of a future Black Prime Minister – surely Britain shouldn’t be outdone by America in it’s pursuit of a polychromatic government. If only we could find a black, gay, disabled single mother willing to fill the role then we’d really show those yanks what diversity is all about!

People who buy food from a cinema
Take popcorn for instance, the going rate for a bushel of corn is about $4. A bushel, for the uninitiated, is equivalent to about 25 kilograms! Assuming your average bucket of movie theatre popcorn contains about 115g of corn, one is left to conclude that either each kernel is being individually popped inside it’s own tiny gold plated oven each fuelled by burning a rare malt whisky or, that people who buy food from a cinema are morons!

Wanton Disregard for Grammar
Of course to err is human, and I am quite sure that any astute scholar of the english language could find the odd grammatical oversight within this very body. Yet I am ever more distressed by the growing tendency to throw out of the window, the basic linguistic rules that set this great nation apart from our lackadaisical cousins on the other side of the Atlantic. So this is a plea, to the youth of today, to pay attention to your English teachers, lest we become indistinguishable from the American's.

Natwest (well all banks really)
3 days! 3 days! If I use online banking to pay off my Natwest credit card, using funds in my Natwest current account what justifiable reason is there for this entirely electronic transaction to take 3 working days? However should a cheque bounce, Natwest can instantaneously debit £38 from me! Given the only manual work involved in bouncing a cheque is for some underpaid morlock to place it in an envelope and post it back to the presenting bank that’s one frickin’ expensive stamp!

The Sign Language Man on News 24
What's wrong with subtitles? Having a man flailing his arms around and making strange facial expessions is quite distracting to the vast majority of people who can't understand sign language. One would imagine of the minority that can, only a fraction of them are unable to read, and they are probably under 8 years old so have no interest in watching News 24 anyway - so who does he benefit?

Brash Beggars
The Angry Mac Guy has every sympathy for people who are homeless through unfortunate circumstances and are forced to survive on the good will of passers-by who voluntarily offer spare change. However of late there has been an explosion in a different kind of beggar - the non-homeless ones who wander up and down a particular street accosting everyone whom they pass, asking for '80p for the bus'. When the Angry Mac Guy points out that a bus ticket has cost £1 for months and that this is the second time today he has been accosted by said beggar then queries why, if said beggar was as homeless as claimed, would he need to ride the bus anywhere - the beggar gets shirty and storms off as if he was somehow entitled to the Angry Mac Guy's money!

Social Networking
FaceBook, MySpace and Bebo are to the 21st century what tobacco, alcohol and drugs were to the 20th century. One by one friends are lured in by the shiney-happy profiles of those already addicted – the blogs and photos detailing every glorious event of the past few weeks, a friends list in double figures populated with messages of love and adoration from their fellow users – indeed this is clearly the way to happiness. But few realise just what social networking really is: a means of validating one’s life against those of one’s peers, and it’s addictive. The law of diminishing returns is what drives these sites. Having 5 friends soon becomes to little to justify you and it’s necessary to hook some more unsuspecting friends in to expand your list. Eventually the addiction begins to spill over into the real world – where ‘friends’ cluster around computers, showing off their profiles, and in a display of their own growing insecurity: mocking those whose profiles seem less attractive. The final result of ‘social networking’ is revealed in all its ugliness, as the once shiney-happy people are rendered socially moribund. So to answer your question, no, the Angry Mac Guy does not ‘have a Bebo’.

Update: OK the Angry Mac Guy now has a bebo, he was pressured into it by his friends, he only did it a couple of times and didn't even enjoy it!

Footballers
The Angry Mac Guy doesn’t hate football – if someone wants to run around a field for an hour and a half kicking a synthetic pig’s bladder then that’s their own lookout. What the Angry Mac Guy does hate is the aura of self importance that engulfs premiership footballers as they ponce about in front of several thousand screaming idiots who are all too ready to elevate these thugs with Ferraris to the status of minor deity. The overly elaborate celebrations (which when executed seem to suggest the player believes himself to have averted a major world disaster rather than merely having kicked a small round object between two posts 24 feet apart), diving to the ground if an opponent so much as brushes against their shirt, and the pathetic attempts to feign injury with the associated theatrics and hissy fits just serve to compound the farce that is “professional” football.

Internet Explorer
Imagine the crapiest piece of absolute and total crap you can, then multiply it by the biggest number that can be retained in your head, and that is almost but not quite how crap Internet Explorer is. People who use Internet Explorer should be beaten over the head until they die. If you are wondering what exactly the Angry Mac Guy finds so offensive about the de facto web browser it is probably because you have never attempted to code a standards compliant website which doesn't look as though it was ejected from the stomach of a small dog when viewed in IE. If you had you would realise just how much the process has in common with having your finger nails removed with a pair of pliers.

The Nazi Argument
You normally hear this from the sort of people who organise student demonstrations or set up online petitions. They would have you believe that the Angry Mac Guy's abstention from voting puts Great Britain in danger of becoming a Nazi state! An argument that only serves to demonstrate a rather simplistic understanding of historical events.

Fund Raisers
What happened to the good old tin rattlers? You dropped 50p in, got your sticker and everyone was happy. These days you can’t go fifty yards without being accosted by a sickeningly cheerful individual wearing the livery of some new charity and after briefly flashing some literature at you, you are quizzed for your bank details. No longer do identity thieves need to trawl through your rubbish at night – now they just have to get a clip-board, a laminated badge and vaguely plausible sob story about the plight of blind cats in Zanzibar!

Cheap TV
"For the employed, Big Brother is a bafflingly successful Channel 4 cash cow whereby a squawking gaggle of future ex-z-listers are put in a cage for what seems like a decade, and stared at by idiots." - Chis WIlliams - These shows are merely a symtom of the advancing mental atrophy of the once great British public. A nation that is becoming stupider by the minute who are enraptured by the banal exploits of has-been celebrities desparately trying to increase their airtime, and national lampoons seemingly oblivious to their abnormality.

Geek Leechers
These are the kind of people who only ever call you up or speak to you when they need something fixed. They rarely offer compensation for your troubles, and presume you enjoy the chance to spend an afternoon eradicating spyware, worms and viruses from their PC's.

Smoking drivers with "Baby On Board" signs
One hand on the wheel, the other flicking cigarette ash out the window!! This will ensure the emergency services are aware of the child in the event of an accident, and are able to rescue it so it can live a long and happy life suffering from bronchitis, pneumonia, chronic asthma or lung cancer.

Excessive use of text speak
Why people feel compelled to replace full english words by numbers even when they have a keyboard complete with every letter of the alphabet at their disposal is quite beyond the Angry Mac Guy.

Claims Direct, lawyers4u etc
"I was leaning out a 1st floor window to paint the sills when i fell out and badly injured myself. My employer handn't fitted a safety net around the building. I got £7000 compensation." Why should the pathologically inept be compensated for their own acts of idiocy?

Recording Industry Ass. of America
A self serving club of ego maniacs whose sole purpose in maintaining the status quo is to extort profit from consumers and artists while eradicating ingenuity from the market.

Cyclists Who Block Bus Lanes
Why can't they use the pavements? Instead they cycle about a third of the way into the bus lane - just enough so that the bus can't pass them and is forced to travel along at the same pathetic pace as they do.

Offensive Email Users
Not the content, but the people. People who think their email is so important that it deserves to always be sent with high priority, or the people who think they are so important that they should know when you've read their email and request a read reciept for every message they send.

Blogging
Maddox put it best when he described the act of blogging as "what your mind would do if it had to take a dump." By the way this is not a blog - it's an original site, dedicated to only one thing, stuff that angers the Angry Mac Guy. Its not a generic layout filled with details of his every bowel movement and hyperlinks from every second word - that's a blog. This text has been formally retracted due to this

Mac bashers
These people are narrow minded and have limited understanding of computers in general. They are normally Windows users - in which case fairly easy to rebuke. However sometimes they are hard-core linux nuts. These are not the sort of people you want to hold a conversation with under any circumstances. Don't worry though because they are normally re-captured very quickly.

Fat People - in certain circumstances
The Angry mac Guy has no problem with people being fat. What he can't stand is fat people in denial. Fat people should buy a bus ticket for every seat they intend to occupy. Fat people who blame their proportions on bone structure or genetic make up are equally annoying.

Political Correctness
Use of the phrase "differently able", or trying to ban the phrase "brain storm" (incase it offends the mentally ill) is a surefire way to annoy the Angry Mac Guy.

Power Tools in the A&E Department
If you are stupid to shoot yourself in the head with a nail gun then you have no business being in an A&E complaining about how long you've been waiting. Quite frankly you deserve the slow painful death you are about to experience.

Low Fat, High Fibre, Probiotic, New Age Hippy Food
Is the Angry Mac Guy the only person who realises that downing a shot of brown coloured diluted milk each morning is not going prolong your life nor prevent a massive heart attack at the age of 45. Instead, try cutting it down to just 1 pack a day - that'll save you money which you can spend on private healthcare when the innevitable happens and so avoid having to make small talk with an idiot sporting a black & decker protruding from his forehead!